Well, I did it. I made it to thirty. Thirty freakin years old. I’ve completed approximately one-third of my life (I tend to be a “glass half empty” type of person). Three whole decades have passed since my birth and a lot of things in the world have changed drastically. It’s a scary place out there. Change is the only constant. I was born during the Reagan era, when Ferris Bueller took his day off, and the Mets won the World Series. The Challenger was an epic fail, Molly Ringwald looked Pretty In Pink, and you might as well face it, you’re Addicted to Love. Things are quite different now-a-days, but no matter how young or old I am, I will always be an A.P.E.
The palate I was born with has not matured at the same chronological rate of my body. There is probably some kind of mathematical half-life equation I could figure out, but I don’t care that much. I am plenty sophisticated in my own special way. So I don’t eat caviar; I eat lots of cheese and cheese can be fancy. I don’t like wine, but I love me some cranberry juice and I can totally taste the difference between all of the popular brands. Chocolate was once used as currency, I think. I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere and assuming that this information is accurate, I am the fanciest most sophisticated byotch in the world because I eat money yo!
Maybe I don’t want to try “rosemary focaccia flavored ice cream” or “octopus tentacle wrapped french fries” or “raw deer brains with a lemon turd demi glace.” Sorry that I’m not as adventurous as Anthony Bourdain. And no, I don’t think I will ever be interested in expanding my culinary palate. At year five and year fifteen I enjoyed an ice cream sundae, a cheeseburger, and some pizza. Now that it’s year thirty, I will continue to enjoy ice cream sundaes, cheeseburgers, and pizza. And, I guarantee that by year sixty (also known as two-thirds of the completion of my life) I will still continue to enjoy ice cream sundaes, cheeseburgers, and pizza.
In conclusion, I’d like to propose a toast to myself, the birthday girl, the A.P.E, the thirty year old. Please raise your glass as we celebrate the diversity of flavor preferences among every single human being living today. The world is an ever changing place. Make sure to stay true to yourself. If you don’t want to try a new food, you don’t have to because it doesn’t matter your age, maturity or sophistication. The thought of eating “sun-dried rabbit eyeballs coated in mustard” shouldn’t appeal to anyone.